Resetting Reference Points for a Happier Mood: Strategies and Insights

Feeling stuck in a cycle of dissatisfaction often comes from comparing our current situation to fixed reference points. These mental benchmarks shape how we perceive success, happiness, and progress. When these points become rigid or unrealistic, they can drag down our mood and overall well-being. Resetting these reference points offers a practical way to improve mood and foster a more positive outlook on life.

Let’s take for example this visual illustration:

This optical illusion helps show us how our minds think in terms of reference points. While the two orange circles are exactly the same size, a central circle surrounded by small circles appears larger than an identical central circle surrounded by large circles. 

Pretty cool right? This is exactly how our minds judge our life situations. We take a reference point and see where we compare ourselves to that given reference. Reference points can be influenced internally by our own personal goals, past achievements and experiences or can be influenced externally by social comparisons. 

Internal Reference Points:

Based on our personal reference points, we are constantly comparing ourselves based on our last best baseline. For example, we want to beat our personal best on a 5 km run or we want a better phone than our last one. In our work life, if we have received a promotion, our new salary might become a reference point. If our raise doesn’t meet or exceed that level, we might feel disappointed, even if our income is objectively good, which is due to changing reference points.

External Reference Points:

Externally, we are constantly comparing ourselves and this can really influence our life satisfaction. Social comparison can be defined as a natural human process that evaluates one’s own ability, attitudes, and worth by comparing them to others. While this comparison can be upward, looking at those who are better off to be motivated, it can also create negative consequences, such as decreased self-esteem, anxiety, and disappointment. 

Example of Athletes - why silver medallists are often less content than bronze medallists:

With the 2026 Winter Olympics in full swing, let’s take a familiar example in which those who are objectively better off nonetheless feel worse. An analysis of the emotional reactions of bronze and silver medallists indicate that bronze medallists showed more positive emotion than silver medallists. These results are linked to the fact that the most compelling counterfactual alternative for the silver medallist is winning gold, whereas for the bronze medallist it is finishing without a medal. Counterfactual thinking is when we imagine alternative outcomes to events that have already occurred - essentially, the “what ifs”. For silver medallists, they may have thought, “if only I had pushed a little harder,” or “what if I hadn't made that mistake?” This upward comparison, where they focus on the better outcome they almost achieved, can lead to feelings of regret and dissatisfaction. On the other hand, bronze medallists are more likely to think using a downward comparison which helps them feel satisfied with what they did achieve rather than swelling on what they didn’t (Medved et al. 1995 and Matsumoto and Willingham, 2006).

photo from medium.com

Example at Work:

In a perhaps more relatable way, in our work environment, a study demonstrates that reference points can really mess up good salaries. A study demonstrates that if a coworker makes more money than we do, then we will be less satisfied with our job (Clark and Oswald 1996). In another study, the authors go as far as demonstrating that in a hypothetical earnings situation people would prefer to make less money if their coworkers make less than them rather than make more money if their coworkers make more than them (Solnick and Hemenway, 1997).

Example at Home:

As you would expect, trying to “Keep up with the Joneses” is another way we compare ourselves - in this case, to our neighbors. The pressure to match our neighbors’ Halloween decorations, yard maintenance and vehicle can skew our reference points and affect our happiness. In one study, the authors showed how social comparisons can influence our spending by demonstrating that people that live next door to lottery winners are more likely to buy a new car (Kuhn et al. 2011). 

Social Media:

With the access to the internet and media, we are no longer just comparing ourselves to our neighbors or our fellow classmates in high school, we are now comparing ourselves to people and situations world wide which can easily mess up our reference points. Social media provides abundant social comparison opportunities and can negatively affect our self-worth. In fact, a study has shown that participants who used Facebook most often had poorer trait self-esteem, and this was mediated by greater exposure to upward social comparisons on social media. A second study has also demonstrated that even a manipulated Facebook feed featuring people that are worse off than we are does not lead to much higher self-esteem ratings (Vogel et al. 2014).

In general, reference points are everywhere. While they may provide clear, consistent guidance for goal-setting and decision-making, we may want to reframe reference points that create unrealistic expectations and affect our self-worth. 

4 Approaches to Recalibrate Our Reference Points:

Resetting our reference points involves intentionally changing how we view our current situation to increase happiness and appreciation. Here are 4 strategies to help us reset our reference points.

1) Avoid or decrease social media use: While this seems like a non-brainer, it may be hard to completely eliminate social media in our generation. We may want to maintain contact with our friends and family from around the world or we don't want to miss out on activities or opportunities that come up in our social news feed. Whatever the reason be, strategies can be put in place to help reduce our consumption of social media. For example, while I still use social media, I removed the app from my smart phone. If I want to go on social media, I have to go out of my way and view it only on my personal computer. This increases the steps to my action, therefore becomes less automated and therefore I only go on if I deliberately need it, such as communicating with a friend.

2) Practice gratitude: An abundance of studies properly demonstrate how the practice of gratitude increases our mood, can help us through difficult times, makes us feel valued and even motivates us to be more generous. By regularly thinking about and writing down things that we are grateful for helps shift our focus from what we may lack to what we have. This helps us reset our reference points to a more positive baseline and highlights our current blessings.

3) Reframing - Observe and think of less fortunate reference points: consider the struggles of others to gain perspective on your own challenges. For example, imagine the experience of someone struggling to make ends meet if you are worried about money. This can also be used to increase healthy habits. For example, think about how much you will enjoy eating strawberries in comparison to chocolate. You might not want to eat the strawberries after all! Now, think about how much you will enjoy eating the strawberries in comparison to sardines. The strawberry seems more compelling after all!

4) View Setbacks as Opportunities for Learning: When things don’t go as planned, instead of seeing it as a failure against your reference point, view it as a chance to learn and grow. This growth mindset reduces negative feelings and encourages resilience.

Final Thoughts on Resetting Reference Points

Your mood and satisfaction depend heavily on the reference points you set. When these points are unrealistic or fixed, they can cause unnecessary unhappiness. By identifying and resetting these benchmarks, you can improve your outlook and enjoy life more fully.

Let’s start using our reference points in positive ways to create healthy habits, increase our quality of lives and find inner peace!

References:

• Clark, A. E. & Oswald, A. J. (1996). Satisfaction and comparison income. Journal of Public Economics, 61(3), 359-381.

• Kuhn, P., Kooreman, P., Soetevent, A. & Kapteyn, A. (2011). The Effects of Lottery Prizes on Winners and Their Neighbors: Evidence from the Dutch Postcode Lottery. American Economic Review, 101 (5), 2226-47.

• Matsumoto, D. & Willingham, B. (2006). The Thrill of Victory and the Agony of Defeat: Spontaneous Expressions of Medal Winners of the 2004 Athens Olympic Games. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 91(3), 568-581.

• Medvec, V. H., Madey, S. F. & Gilovich, T. (1995). When less is more: counterfactual thinking and satisfaction among Olympic medalists. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 69(4), 603-610.

• Vogel, E., Rose, J.P., Roberts, L. & Eckles, K. (2014). Social Comparison, Social Media, and Self-Esteem. Psychology of Popular Media Culture, 3(4), 206-222.